Can I Love Again
Today tears fill my eyes, but I can’t cry! The Lovers, lucky card number six, this card means exactly what it implicates! As far as the story goes about the fool, he has on his travels found someone he would like to give himself to for love alone. Today this card is a slap in the face, & right on time with the path of the life of this fool. The same thing keeps happening to me when it comes to love & what I must endure to have love!! I hope you have time to read this, because this will be my best work, & the most emotions my heart can out pour all at once!! I feel the walls closing in around me as I search for someone with a carefree heart & mind to match my personality!! I Kingtay from the start of this life of love has put alot of dark spots in people minds & hearts when it comes to the subject of love! I know I am not a teenager anymore, but do people belive in love at first sight anymore or in love at all? I mean I surely can pickem! I always seem to find those who love me to much, & lose themselfs in me, or I lose myself in someone who don’t want love from me, all they want is the physical part of a relationship. Today I can say that I don’t think I belive in love anymore! I can’t go on like this any longer, trying to find something that I should just accept from those who really see me for me. When it comes to love I have lost a whole lot more then I have won! I have been in love ten times, give or take a few, with seven of those times ending in a bad outlook on life for me. Can anyone tell me the difference between meeting someone, you guys date for a year or two, ya’ll move-in together & things last for another year, and ya’ll split or you meet someone & instantly you realize that you can grow with this person, ya’ll move-in three months later, the relationship lasts for the same time frame as above? What’s the difference? In my eyes I see none, but also I see that the last situation is lot more exciting then the first!! What are you suppose to do when you meet someone & just fall in love with them & they not feel the same way you do? I know their are alot of things wrong with me & most of those things seem to do with my outlook I have on life, but I am human & I am blessed with human emotions, so I feel just like you do, but now I can say at lease I understand that you won’t feel the same thing that I feel because you are not me. All I want is Love & maybe you are not the one to fall in love with. I really want to cry right-now for reasons I can’t explain!! I’m hurt, happy, sad, lost, speechless, & confused all at the same time. I guess their is only one thing I can do & that’s find a deeper love for myself. I can’t love myself all that much if, I let the people that truely love me walk away from me because I don’t love them the same!! I should do something about that right!! I don’t know where to start, how many times can you say sorry before the meaning is lost? I feel like sometimes I have to make a fool out myself to see who’s the fool for me!! Who wants to feel like a fool? You have given up on me I know, but I want to fall in love with you all over again. The first day is all that matters to me! When I see something I want I go get-it, I use my instincts to find happiness. I have this King of the jungle mentality that has caused me much pain in the love department, but I can’t seem to shake this lion inside of me that leads me to all the dangers of love. I just want to say the hell with it all when it comes to anyone, I should say that I don’t care what anybody wants from me, give me what I want, & if you can’t comply then bye,bye!! I know that I am a hard person to deal with & most-likly I will kill all the birds on the line with that one stone of truth, but that’s just the way I feel right-now!! My heart is ripped into pieces, & I want to just scream at the top of my lungs until this pain subsides. I know I put people in bad situations when I truely express the way I feel, but I am just learning how to express myself! For along time, I just went with the flow of things, & whatever I got I must have deserved, because I did’nt complain I just went with it, but now my eyes are wide open to everything, & this has made me a little more receptive to my surroundings! Can I tell you the truth for a minute, the truth about it all is that I must be feeling something that is not their, I must have a defective radar!! I make alot of bad choices it seems when it comes to love, because I just can’t seem to get it right!! All I want from your heart is understanding, I am not trying to take advantage of your tender heart, but I want all your heart & not many are willing to give you all of their heart. I really could go on for days about how much pain I have caused people that loved me truely & all the pain that I am feeling right-now because the person who I want most of all think me undeserving! I know I am a good man, but who will make me a better man? Maybe I should’nt depend on a women to make me a better man. So why do I think that a women makes a man better? I’m glad i’m writing this so I can look at myself a little bit closer to understand, what am I thinking? You sit and cry, not because you are hurt about the way you feel about me, or the way I feel about you, you cry because you don’t want lose the best thing that ever happen to you in your life. I am Life for those that chose to shut the world out, but once expose to the world around you, you lose yourself in it without me! It’s always going to be someone who will be next in this triangle of love, but what ends the cycle? Is there anybody who can just take it for what it is. I would say no, because right-now the King has a confession!! I would like to confess that their is someone in the Kings life who really don’t want this King, I mean just as blunt as she could say it without making herself feel like a slut, she told this King she wanted nothing but a physical relationship!! Now maybe a few years back I would have just given her what she wanted & just knocked them guts in, but now that i’m all emotional & shit, I felt cheap as hell, unworthy of true companionship, is that how people really view me? Am I just a play toy for the lonely? Do I have anything to offer? Is she trying to get me out her face? All these thoughts within a minutes time ran through my mind & I wanted to throw-up!! I felt like I had just looked into the hearts of those people who I had taken a dump in their mouths, for tellin me that they loved me, & I did’nt understand why. Right-now I consider myself a nice guy, & I pay good attention to what I say to people, for the simple fact that I feel things now!! For along time I took things for granted because I could replace you in a hot second with no thought of you but see-ya, have a good one! I got people right-now I know that I can call & say let’s work this out, & they would be willing but that would’nt be fair because I don’t love them in the same respect as they love me!! I would’nt be with someone who wants more then I could offer them. The end, last but not lease the story of the fool!!!!
Drawing the Lovers almost always means a choice will have to be made. This choice is usually of the variety that is between doing what "makes sense" and following your heart. The answer to this dilemma involves surrendering to God. Don’t be surprised if your well-laid plans are suddenly subject to change. The Lovers remind us that we cannot attain our full potential with our conscious, rational mind alone. We must marry it to our subconscious, representing our emotions and intuition.The Fool comes to a cross-roads, filled with energy, confidence and purpose, knowing exactly where he wants to go and what he wants to do. And comes to a dead stop. A flowering tree marks the path he wants to take, the one he’s been planning on taking. But standing before a fruit tree marking the other path is a woman. He’s met and had relationships with women before, some far more beautiful and alluring. But she is different. Seeing her, he feels as though he’s just been shot in the heart with cupid’s arrow, so shocking, so painful is his "recognition" of her. As he speaks with her, the feeling intensifies; like finding a missing part of himself, a part he’s been searching for his life long. It is clear that she feels the same about him. They finish each others sentences, think the same thoughts. It is as if an Angel above had introduced their souls to each other. Though it was his plan to follow the path of the flowering tree, and though it will cause some trouble for him to bring this woman with him, to go somewhere else entirely, the Fool knows he dare not leave her behind. Like the fruit tree, she will fulfill him. No matter how divergent from his original intent, she is his future. He chooses her, and together they head down a whole new road.
Kingtay I
